Hiding away

I know its has been a month and more since I have added anything to my blog, life has a way of slipping by. I find myself withdrawing more and more from people, I hide away inside myself as I wait for there to be an opening in this trouble of mine. I wont be the victom, but neither will I be the cause of others sorrows.

"I will not be a victim", I tell myself this as often as I can, and yet I still feel as if I'm acting like the victim. How is it a man can want some thing and never attain it? I wish for peace and all I find is strife. The road is long and full of perils, rocky, twisting and uphill all the way, yet I know I have to traverse the trail to find the Paradise that the road empties into. These days have been hard on both myself and my family, they are my strength and yet there is always blows rained upon them by the fact that I am not working and therefor no money coming in. I only want this nightmare to end and to be whole once more, one day I know it will come to pass, one day I will enter the light of a new life and be free of these nightmares that plague my sleep. I only hope it is soon.

Parenting

When one becomes a parent, it becomes apparent (forgive the pun) that there are a great many things one is unsure of. Today was a great day for me, one of the first in a great many months that have been grey and clouded. Today I was able to take Rowan outside and play with him for nearly an hour. To allot of people that might not seem such a big thing, for me it is. These last few months I have suffered with my PTSD and have had little energy, or will to do much of anything, added to this was absolutely horrid weather and a procrastinating spring. Rowan, Dana and myself flew a remote controlled helicopter around the parking lot ( Rowan flew it as we chased it, and at times it chased us ) Then while the chopper recharged we chased one another around on the soggy grass below the apartments, flew the heli some more and ended the outing just playing in a pile of sand used to sand the ice in the parking lot. I wasn't sure if I would be able to drag myself out to play, however I am glad to say not only was I able, I was able to extend the length that we had planned to play into double. I know much of what I have added to my blog of late has been negative and gloomy, for that I am sorry,I now hope with this small victory to be able to blog on lighter subjects and more often. I read all my followers blogs, though I don't comment much these days and I hope you all read mine. It's nice to know that there are ears out there who listen to a voice in the dark. May God bless you all.

A thought

I have a thought, maybe if I give others a laugh it might help me to smile. So here we go..................Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train had departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets he knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with the ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants all agree that this is a very clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers and buy only a single ticket for the return trip and save some money ( being good with money and all)
When they get to the train station the accountants buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy ticket at all. " How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When the board the train the three engineers cram into one restroom and the three accountants cram into an opposite restroom. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says "Ticket please."

Right now, here in this very moment I feel lost as if in a cave afraid to look out, to see the future and I wonder, where can I go from here? It's almost as if I can't live in the moment, the past has so entangled me in a web of memories. After my accident I couldn't remember much of the details, now all I seem to do is remember, I can feel it as if it happend just today.... how do I move past this? I find myself relying on other memories to get me through it as well. The best day of my life was last September, Dana, Rowan and I took a family drive out the West Fraser road about 50 miles or so down the country road, the sun was bright and warm, no traffic and we just enjoyed being a family. Rowan loved the trip because he was able to sit on daddy's lapp and drive the car, he saw baby cows and baby grouse ( a wild chicken or phesant like bird ) clustered around their mother. Those are the memories I want to keep thinking of rather than my arm being crushed. I know I need to talk to a proffesional about all this, the thing is I am so afraid that I will have to spend time in the hospital. I supose that I am a fool, I need to do whats best and just get at getting better. Its not that easy though I want to be better but I have such a hard time talking about the experience, I can say what happend, but the experience of the whole thing is so hard to share.

Wholeness

I know that I have been writing very little of late, mostly it is because I have been feeling lost or fractured. There are a lot of things going on for me right now and most are disturbing to say the least. I am withdrawing into myself and not talking to those who mean the most to me. Both family and friends I fear will not understand the things I am going through. I know that these people both on line and in the corporeal world want to understand and care a great deal about me, but I seem to keep my distance. I tell myself it is for their protection, but I am wondering if it isn't for my protection? I've learned a great deal about my condition (post traumatic stress) and I know that I need help with it, but who can help me( other than god ) and who has the fortitude to help me, I seem to be at an em pass and not sure where or what to do or go. I hope for those who follow my blog they can bare with me a while longer as I fight to get better. I thank all those who help me and listen to me.

For my grandfather

In loving memory of Ray Victor Hanson 10/21/1896 - 11/10/1984

Some nights I sit and stare at the sky and think of what my life does hold. I think of lost loves of those yet to come, of deeds both brave and bold. I think of the wars, of the men that died, of stories my grandfather told. So let not their courage and valor lay dead in graves so dark and cold, but remeber their lives and the reasons they died were for us and all life does hold.

I wanted to share that poem with you, I wrote it many years ago for my grandfather who had pssed away and was a vet of world war 1