Never Forget

Once again I watched Schindlers List, and as with every time before I cried and was sickened with what the movie depicts. I've been asked why I watch movies like that if they make me feel sick and disturbed. My answer to this is simple, how can we let ourselves forget these things? I want to remember these things, I want to pass this on to Rowan, because when we let ourselves forget or not be bothered by the images and feeling these movies and photos invoke is when we as a society are in danger of letting these things happen again. Its so important that we never forget the pain inflicted to others, no matter where and when, I'm not saying that we need to devote our lives to this but we need to honor these people no matter who they were, what nation or religion

Romance

In a town of mill workers and loggers it is hard to find a male who is romantic, it is a shame that romance has seemed to become a rare commodity in this day and age. For me there is something warming and peaceful to be romantic. A summer picnic on a hilltop overlooking a field of wild flowers, a candle light bubble bath with flowers surrounding the tub, a sensual massage with mellow music and exotic fragrances, these are just a few of the romantic things I like to do. Sometime soon I want to take my wife to a secluded cabin in the woods that overlooks a small lake, the fall would be the most opportune season for this, with vibrant colors of Autumn leaves reflected on the water surface, a loon calling to the wild. The evening would hold a special dinner cooked on a wood stove and a crackling fire in the fireplace as we sit on the floor in front of it sharing an Irish coffee, a sunset walk along the lake shore holding hands and watching the brilliant sun reflected across the lake as the clouds burst into pastel colors. Finally sitting on the dock holding one another watching falling stars race across the indigo sky. In the morning I would get up before her and make a breakfast of pancakes, bacon and eggs with a hot tea, then go for a walk in the frosty air hearing a flock of geese fly over on their way to sunny warmer areas. No romance is still alive, though it is harder and harder to find in a society that values money and relationships with only sexual rewards.

Strength

For most men strength is measured in the physical, how much they can lift, who they can beat in a fight, or how much pain they can endure. I would rather have strength of character and strength of mind. I know how much physical pain I can endure, I don't want to cause people pain so winning a fight is futile unless I am defending myself or someone who can't defend themselves, and I no longer feel the need to impress people with how much weight I can lift. To me true strength is the ability to keep fighting every day to be a better person or to keep doing something that you don't care to do because you are doing it for betterment. I don't like my job, I have a hard time with the head cook who comes on shift as I get off, I can do nothing well enough in her eyes, yet I keep going day after day, I have to help pay the bills and put food on the table. I hope to go back to school soon and I am scared about that, I'm not getting younger and I have trepidations about changing careers so late in life. But these things are what true strength is about. Strength of character and strength of will, I'll take these over physical strength any day.

Knowing that you have people out there who care about you makes life so wonderful, I've made some good friends in my life and even good friends on line(Wenderz and Dix aka Cory spring to mind). I've been blessed enough to find another good friend, this person has become quite special to me for a number of reasons, most of all because she has been there to talk to and to share with. When we make friends we never know just what that friendship will become, most of the time for myself these friendships never pass the acquaintance stage, I enjoy being around them or talking with them but they never really become people that I want to spend extended amounts of time with.

They say pain shared is pain halved and that joy shared is joy doubled, with this particular friend that saying is so true, when we talk and share either joy or pain I feel these effects, things that bother me I can get off my chest, I vent and she listens and when I share something happy she is as excited as I am.....lol. I honor our friendship and will do my best to be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. When we find people like this in our lives we need to embrace them and hold them near and dear to us, allow these friends to know the real us and let them know they are safe with us. These friends are what helps make life more bearable along with our families these people are who mean the most.

Hard times

For the last while I have posted about how I'm feeling lost, and depressed. I have written about my nightmares and memories, and how I just want it all to end. I now have a name for the way I feel, and that name surprises me, its something I never thought I would have. It seems I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It never occurred to me that I would be susceptible to this, you see I spent 18 years as an initial attack fire fighter and crew boss, flying into and out of the worst wild fires my province had, spending days on end without sleep, seeing things that gave most people nightmares. I am also a licenced counsellor and lifeskills coach, I know the symptoms of PTSD and I never seen it in myself. My arrogance has now cost me alot, because I believed I was immune to this and refused to see it in myself I have caused a large rift to form within my wife's and my relationship and with my parents. I know I will overcome this and I know that my relationships are strong enough to be repaired, but I just hope that I still have a wife when its all over and the smoke clears. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins and I know I have been prideful of late, I only hope that this pride hasn't cost me the things I hold dear.

A childs love

I would like to share some quotes from children found in a local paper called the coffee break.

Kids on love

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs." - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you are tired." - age 4

" Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is okay." - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." - age 8

"Love is like a little of woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - age 5

"During my piano rectial, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only on doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - age 8

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - age 7

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go and buy new ones." - age 4

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - age 8

I wanted to share these with you all, children have such an innocent unfettered view of love. We adults often miss what a child sees and these quotes show us just that, these children see the little things that tell others we love them. I hope you enjoy these and enjoy your Valentines day.

Flowers Kisses and Hearts

I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who comments and follows my blog. When I started this I had no Idea what it would be nor how I would feel about writing my feelings on a page that people could view. I'm happy to say that I love it, I feel close to you all, I follow your blogs and get some insight to what others are feeling, and this also helps me when I need another view of things. There are people in this world that I feel comfortable telling things to, and it would seem that all of you who follow my blog are just those kinds of people. Because most of my followers are ladies these hearts kisses and flowers are for you.

Your care and comments are so vitally welcome that I haven't the words to thank you enough.

Honesty

I'm not sure hot to write this entry. I have a friend who si having a hard time right now with someone in his/her life being dishonest and taking advantage of him/her.

To me honesty and integrity are like a river, always flowing in one direction and always changing, I would like to say that I am always honest but that would be a lie. I have told lies to get out of having to work on holidays and weekends that I've had plans to do something special with my family. that being said, I have done my best to lead an honest life, I have found purses and cell phones and made sure they were returned intact to their owners, I have owned up to mistakes that have caused me to be in trouble and other things that have just been the honest thing to do.

Like a river changes with the season so does our honesty grows and shrinks with how we react to the world around us. In the code of Bushido honesty is one of the most important virtues, being second only to loyalty and honor. I wish I could rush to my friends side and defend his/her honor and protect him/her from this person who is doing him/her wrong, yet all I can do is offer words of advice and encouragement ( little succor, though it is from the heart ).

I believe in Karma, and I know that one day the person who is hurting my friend will find themselves in either the same boat, or needing my friend to help them in some way, and I also know that my friend will either turn them away,( maybe he/she will help them because that is just the kind of person my friend is, kind hearted) and be done with them, or this person who has hurt my friend will find that someone they trusted has hurt them and that's where the river becomes a waterfall and crashes down around them, I know this because I was not a good person not so many years ago and that's what happened to me. God has a funny way of giving us wake up calls.

I spent all night at work thinking about my friend and his/her situation. I can only offer my prayers and my words of comfort to him/her. You are loved by more people that care than you are hated by people who wish you harm.

The Nightmare

Its always the same, the only differences is sometimes I'm in my body and at others I am an observer of the whole thing. can you call a memory a nightmare? Every time I sleep I relive the whole accident. I see my arm being pulled deeper and deeper into the mechanics of the forklift, I hear myself scream as the metal squeezes my arm crushing it. The moment that the steel pierces my flesh there is an audible pop as the too weak flesh is opened and the muscles explode and part making way for the unforgiving iron as it travels to the bone, the crack as the intruding steel from both sides meets and shears off the bone that is trying to stop its progress. They say you feel no pain in your dreams, that is false, I feel every nuance of the excruciating moments of the accident, the pain of the intrusion of metal into my flesh, and the burning pain of the pressure of a 50,0000 LB lift crushing my left arm, and finally the sharp almost unbelievable pain as bone is sheared away.

I haven't shared this with anyone until now. I'm not sure why, its been nearly two years since I was hurt and almost every time I sleep I relive this. I believe I'm ready to start the healing, and to share is to start healing.

Well I am on a couple of days off......woooohoooooooo, and just sitting and relaxing. Time is mine to do with it what I want. I wish it were spring right now, I would be outside going for long walks with our dog or playing with Rowan in some melt stream ( building a dam or racing stick boats ) I love spring and summer, spring is when the world awakes from its winter slumber and new life abounds, summer is when the world around you is full of joy and carefree attitudes. Here in Canada February is a depressing time, everyone is tired of winter and we have whats called "cabin fever" (the desire to be able to get outside and do things) our days are finally getting longer and the weather is starting to warm up, but its never fast enough. This time of year is also when I most want to see other countries, I would love to go to Japan to see the cherry blossoms or travel to Paris to watch young lovers walk along the rivers edge holding hands. I guess in some ways I'm just a romantic, but that's what spring is for romance and renewal.

All of my followers live in areas far removed from me and I often wonder what they do at different times of the year. I would like to request that you all comment and let me know how things are where you live , what things look like and what do you do this time of the year.

Rowan

For those who follow my blog, you know how important my son Rowan is to me, I have only posted one picture of him before this and now think that it is time to post more. I'll not take up time with meaningless words of who I hope he will become , nor will I fill the time gabbering about how I feel. All I want is for everyone to see the boy who has touched me so deeply and has made me a better person by challenging me to raise a son who matters to this world.

one pebble

A face in the crowd, a tear in an ocean, is it possible for a single person to make a difference in the wold? There is an old Japanese proverb, "The largest landslides begin with a single pebble" I like that, it gives me hope. I would like to think that one day I could make a difference to the world, I know that I make a difference to those who I love and those who are my friends, but I would like to touch the world, to really make a difference. growing up most kids had heros like the Hulk, or some sports personality, me...... my hero was Walt Disney, strange?, maybe so but you see Walt did alot for the world, he gave every man and woman the opportunity to be a child, through Disneyland and Disney world, through his movies and his weekly programs, Walt made this world a little better for us all. I don't expect to be as big of an influence on the world but I would like to think that there is something I can do to make us all a little better off.