Right now, here in this very moment I feel lost as if in a cave afraid to look out, to see the future and I wonder, where can I go from here? It's almost as if I can't live in the moment, the past has so entangled me in a web of memories. After my accident I couldn't remember much of the details, now all I seem to do is remember, I can feel it as if it happend just today.... how do I move past this? I find myself relying on other memories to get me through it as well. The best day of my life was last September, Dana, Rowan and I took a family drive out the West Fraser road about 50 miles or so down the country road, the sun was bright and warm, no traffic and we just enjoyed being a family. Rowan loved the trip because he was able to sit on daddy's lapp and drive the car, he saw baby cows and baby grouse ( a wild chicken or phesant like bird ) clustered around their mother. Those are the memories I want to keep thinking of rather than my arm being crushed. I know I need to talk to a proffesional about all this, the thing is I am so afraid that I will have to spend time in the hospital. I supose that I am a fool, I need to do whats best and just get at getting better. Its not that easy though I want to be better but I have such a hard time talking about the experience, I can say what happend, but the experience of the whole thing is so hard to share.

Wholeness

I know that I have been writing very little of late, mostly it is because I have been feeling lost or fractured. There are a lot of things going on for me right now and most are disturbing to say the least. I am withdrawing into myself and not talking to those who mean the most to me. Both family and friends I fear will not understand the things I am going through. I know that these people both on line and in the corporeal world want to understand and care a great deal about me, but I seem to keep my distance. I tell myself it is for their protection, but I am wondering if it isn't for my protection? I've learned a great deal about my condition (post traumatic stress) and I know that I need help with it, but who can help me( other than god ) and who has the fortitude to help me, I seem to be at an em pass and not sure where or what to do or go. I hope for those who follow my blog they can bare with me a while longer as I fight to get better. I thank all those who help me and listen to me.

For my grandfather

In loving memory of Ray Victor Hanson 10/21/1896 - 11/10/1984

Some nights I sit and stare at the sky and think of what my life does hold. I think of lost loves of those yet to come, of deeds both brave and bold. I think of the wars, of the men that died, of stories my grandfather told. So let not their courage and valor lay dead in graves so dark and cold, but remeber their lives and the reasons they died were for us and all life does hold.

I wanted to share that poem with you, I wrote it many years ago for my grandfather who had pssed away and was a vet of world war 1

Nature

People have commented on many of the pictures that I use on my blog, I guess the reason I use so many nature pics is because I find nature so relaxing and so beautiful. I know it may sound dumb to say that nature is beautiful but I am one of those people who can see the beauty in all natural scenes, it could be a treeless tundra, a sun soaked desert, a tropical rain forest layered in mist or even a gloomy looking puddle with water droplets falling into it rippling the surface, all these things have a beauty unique to them. An ant crawling across sun baked grass ( and I am afraid of ants ) is such a marvel to behold because he is so small ( more accurately they are shes like a bee ) and have such a long way to travel, yet are undaunted. In one of my photos is a spirit bear ( Ursa Americana Kermodius, or Kermodi bear ) and is unique to British Columbia where I live, it isn't an albino but rather a "mutant" who is stark white yet may have black parents or siblings, this bear is so beautiful and I am proud that it is our provincial animal. We humans do our best to replicate nature and yet it always look fake somehow, only nature can be nature and as far as art well can there be any purer art than that of nature? I hope that my friends can enjoy my photos as much as I do, and I pray that they bring you as much joy and relaxation as they do me.

OOPS

It has been a bit since I have added anything to my blog, there is a good reason for this. the other day I wrote a friend an e-mail and ended up sticking my foot in my mouth. I make no excuses for myself, I know better than to take meds and do things, so the onus is wholly on me.

My friend being the understanding and great person that He/She is has forgiven me and has said that there is no problem, however I have been reluctant to do much public speaking or writing for that matter since this. I know we all do things we wish we didn't, and I know to error is only human, it is just hard to try and face your shortcomings after an incident such as this. I have learned a valuable lesson from this and will from now on be sure to know how a medication affects me before I do something I might regret later.********* " Never do anything now you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic later" Unknown******** I think that sums it up pretty well. And to my friend I would quote Shakespeare " I have learned me to repent the sin of disobedient opposition, to you and your behest I am adjoined, and I beg your pardon." I know that this person has forgiven and forgot, however I will always remember my blunder and their kindness

Tranquility

There was a time in my life when all I cared about was the next dollar, the next high, the next person (victom) to come along to use. I now look forward to the next time I can spend time with Rowan, the next walk with the dog, the next sunset to enjoy. It's funny how we can change. I look at life in a totaly different way now, I do my best to find tranquility and peace when and where I can. I have a strong sence of family and honor now and I find that with friends, family, and my ideals my life has become so much richer. I still have hard times, in fact I am going through some rough things right now, but I have found that I can overcome these times with the help of all the things I hold most dear. Tranquility has been mine to enjoy, and will keep being mine to enjoy.

Alive

Today for the first time in what has seemed like forever I finally feel alive again, part of this has to do with an online friend who has been there for me through alot in the last while, another part is that the weather is starting to warm up, and the final and most important part of all is I spent the whole day with Rowan just being us. It's funny how some times we seem to forget to take time for ourselves, we are so busy with work and what have you that there is no down time. I always make time for my son, but I wasn't making time for me, things I like to do, experiencing life with every breath. I'm not sure what tomorow will bring but I know with friends and family reminding me to take Jerry time and work on the positive aspects of life I'll do just fine. I might just go for a walk and enjoy a sunset or watch the snow as it melts and becomes a rivlett, who knows but I know that these things relax me and make me feel whole.