Hiding away

I know its has been a month and more since I have added anything to my blog, life has a way of slipping by. I find myself withdrawing more and more from people, I hide away inside myself as I wait for there to be an opening in this trouble of mine. I wont be the victom, but neither will I be the cause of others sorrows.

"I will not be a victim", I tell myself this as often as I can, and yet I still feel as if I'm acting like the victim. How is it a man can want some thing and never attain it? I wish for peace and all I find is strife. The road is long and full of perils, rocky, twisting and uphill all the way, yet I know I have to traverse the trail to find the Paradise that the road empties into. These days have been hard on both myself and my family, they are my strength and yet there is always blows rained upon them by the fact that I am not working and therefor no money coming in. I only want this nightmare to end and to be whole once more, one day I know it will come to pass, one day I will enter the light of a new life and be free of these nightmares that plague my sleep. I only hope it is soon.

Parenting

When one becomes a parent, it becomes apparent (forgive the pun) that there are a great many things one is unsure of. Today was a great day for me, one of the first in a great many months that have been grey and clouded. Today I was able to take Rowan outside and play with him for nearly an hour. To allot of people that might not seem such a big thing, for me it is. These last few months I have suffered with my PTSD and have had little energy, or will to do much of anything, added to this was absolutely horrid weather and a procrastinating spring. Rowan, Dana and myself flew a remote controlled helicopter around the parking lot ( Rowan flew it as we chased it, and at times it chased us ) Then while the chopper recharged we chased one another around on the soggy grass below the apartments, flew the heli some more and ended the outing just playing in a pile of sand used to sand the ice in the parking lot. I wasn't sure if I would be able to drag myself out to play, however I am glad to say not only was I able, I was able to extend the length that we had planned to play into double. I know much of what I have added to my blog of late has been negative and gloomy, for that I am sorry,I now hope with this small victory to be able to blog on lighter subjects and more often. I read all my followers blogs, though I don't comment much these days and I hope you all read mine. It's nice to know that there are ears out there who listen to a voice in the dark. May God bless you all.

A thought

I have a thought, maybe if I give others a laugh it might help me to smile. So here we go..................Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked the accountants.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train had departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets he knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with the ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants all agree that this is a very clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers and buy only a single ticket for the return trip and save some money ( being good with money and all)
When they get to the train station the accountants buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy ticket at all. " How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When the board the train the three engineers cram into one restroom and the three accountants cram into an opposite restroom. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says "Ticket please."

Right now, here in this very moment I feel lost as if in a cave afraid to look out, to see the future and I wonder, where can I go from here? It's almost as if I can't live in the moment, the past has so entangled me in a web of memories. After my accident I couldn't remember much of the details, now all I seem to do is remember, I can feel it as if it happend just today.... how do I move past this? I find myself relying on other memories to get me through it as well. The best day of my life was last September, Dana, Rowan and I took a family drive out the West Fraser road about 50 miles or so down the country road, the sun was bright and warm, no traffic and we just enjoyed being a family. Rowan loved the trip because he was able to sit on daddy's lapp and drive the car, he saw baby cows and baby grouse ( a wild chicken or phesant like bird ) clustered around their mother. Those are the memories I want to keep thinking of rather than my arm being crushed. I know I need to talk to a proffesional about all this, the thing is I am so afraid that I will have to spend time in the hospital. I supose that I am a fool, I need to do whats best and just get at getting better. Its not that easy though I want to be better but I have such a hard time talking about the experience, I can say what happend, but the experience of the whole thing is so hard to share.

Wholeness

I know that I have been writing very little of late, mostly it is because I have been feeling lost or fractured. There are a lot of things going on for me right now and most are disturbing to say the least. I am withdrawing into myself and not talking to those who mean the most to me. Both family and friends I fear will not understand the things I am going through. I know that these people both on line and in the corporeal world want to understand and care a great deal about me, but I seem to keep my distance. I tell myself it is for their protection, but I am wondering if it isn't for my protection? I've learned a great deal about my condition (post traumatic stress) and I know that I need help with it, but who can help me( other than god ) and who has the fortitude to help me, I seem to be at an em pass and not sure where or what to do or go. I hope for those who follow my blog they can bare with me a while longer as I fight to get better. I thank all those who help me and listen to me.

For my grandfather

In loving memory of Ray Victor Hanson 10/21/1896 - 11/10/1984

Some nights I sit and stare at the sky and think of what my life does hold. I think of lost loves of those yet to come, of deeds both brave and bold. I think of the wars, of the men that died, of stories my grandfather told. So let not their courage and valor lay dead in graves so dark and cold, but remeber their lives and the reasons they died were for us and all life does hold.

I wanted to share that poem with you, I wrote it many years ago for my grandfather who had pssed away and was a vet of world war 1

Nature

People have commented on many of the pictures that I use on my blog, I guess the reason I use so many nature pics is because I find nature so relaxing and so beautiful. I know it may sound dumb to say that nature is beautiful but I am one of those people who can see the beauty in all natural scenes, it could be a treeless tundra, a sun soaked desert, a tropical rain forest layered in mist or even a gloomy looking puddle with water droplets falling into it rippling the surface, all these things have a beauty unique to them. An ant crawling across sun baked grass ( and I am afraid of ants ) is such a marvel to behold because he is so small ( more accurately they are shes like a bee ) and have such a long way to travel, yet are undaunted. In one of my photos is a spirit bear ( Ursa Americana Kermodius, or Kermodi bear ) and is unique to British Columbia where I live, it isn't an albino but rather a "mutant" who is stark white yet may have black parents or siblings, this bear is so beautiful and I am proud that it is our provincial animal. We humans do our best to replicate nature and yet it always look fake somehow, only nature can be nature and as far as art well can there be any purer art than that of nature? I hope that my friends can enjoy my photos as much as I do, and I pray that they bring you as much joy and relaxation as they do me.

OOPS

It has been a bit since I have added anything to my blog, there is a good reason for this. the other day I wrote a friend an e-mail and ended up sticking my foot in my mouth. I make no excuses for myself, I know better than to take meds and do things, so the onus is wholly on me.

My friend being the understanding and great person that He/She is has forgiven me and has said that there is no problem, however I have been reluctant to do much public speaking or writing for that matter since this. I know we all do things we wish we didn't, and I know to error is only human, it is just hard to try and face your shortcomings after an incident such as this. I have learned a valuable lesson from this and will from now on be sure to know how a medication affects me before I do something I might regret later.********* " Never do anything now you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic later" Unknown******** I think that sums it up pretty well. And to my friend I would quote Shakespeare " I have learned me to repent the sin of disobedient opposition, to you and your behest I am adjoined, and I beg your pardon." I know that this person has forgiven and forgot, however I will always remember my blunder and their kindness

Tranquility

There was a time in my life when all I cared about was the next dollar, the next high, the next person (victom) to come along to use. I now look forward to the next time I can spend time with Rowan, the next walk with the dog, the next sunset to enjoy. It's funny how we can change. I look at life in a totaly different way now, I do my best to find tranquility and peace when and where I can. I have a strong sence of family and honor now and I find that with friends, family, and my ideals my life has become so much richer. I still have hard times, in fact I am going through some rough things right now, but I have found that I can overcome these times with the help of all the things I hold most dear. Tranquility has been mine to enjoy, and will keep being mine to enjoy.

Alive

Today for the first time in what has seemed like forever I finally feel alive again, part of this has to do with an online friend who has been there for me through alot in the last while, another part is that the weather is starting to warm up, and the final and most important part of all is I spent the whole day with Rowan just being us. It's funny how some times we seem to forget to take time for ourselves, we are so busy with work and what have you that there is no down time. I always make time for my son, but I wasn't making time for me, things I like to do, experiencing life with every breath. I'm not sure what tomorow will bring but I know with friends and family reminding me to take Jerry time and work on the positive aspects of life I'll do just fine. I might just go for a walk and enjoy a sunset or watch the snow as it melts and becomes a rivlett, who knows but I know that these things relax me and make me feel whole.

Never Forget

Once again I watched Schindlers List, and as with every time before I cried and was sickened with what the movie depicts. I've been asked why I watch movies like that if they make me feel sick and disturbed. My answer to this is simple, how can we let ourselves forget these things? I want to remember these things, I want to pass this on to Rowan, because when we let ourselves forget or not be bothered by the images and feeling these movies and photos invoke is when we as a society are in danger of letting these things happen again. Its so important that we never forget the pain inflicted to others, no matter where and when, I'm not saying that we need to devote our lives to this but we need to honor these people no matter who they were, what nation or religion

Romance

In a town of mill workers and loggers it is hard to find a male who is romantic, it is a shame that romance has seemed to become a rare commodity in this day and age. For me there is something warming and peaceful to be romantic. A summer picnic on a hilltop overlooking a field of wild flowers, a candle light bubble bath with flowers surrounding the tub, a sensual massage with mellow music and exotic fragrances, these are just a few of the romantic things I like to do. Sometime soon I want to take my wife to a secluded cabin in the woods that overlooks a small lake, the fall would be the most opportune season for this, with vibrant colors of Autumn leaves reflected on the water surface, a loon calling to the wild. The evening would hold a special dinner cooked on a wood stove and a crackling fire in the fireplace as we sit on the floor in front of it sharing an Irish coffee, a sunset walk along the lake shore holding hands and watching the brilliant sun reflected across the lake as the clouds burst into pastel colors. Finally sitting on the dock holding one another watching falling stars race across the indigo sky. In the morning I would get up before her and make a breakfast of pancakes, bacon and eggs with a hot tea, then go for a walk in the frosty air hearing a flock of geese fly over on their way to sunny warmer areas. No romance is still alive, though it is harder and harder to find in a society that values money and relationships with only sexual rewards.

Strength

For most men strength is measured in the physical, how much they can lift, who they can beat in a fight, or how much pain they can endure. I would rather have strength of character and strength of mind. I know how much physical pain I can endure, I don't want to cause people pain so winning a fight is futile unless I am defending myself or someone who can't defend themselves, and I no longer feel the need to impress people with how much weight I can lift. To me true strength is the ability to keep fighting every day to be a better person or to keep doing something that you don't care to do because you are doing it for betterment. I don't like my job, I have a hard time with the head cook who comes on shift as I get off, I can do nothing well enough in her eyes, yet I keep going day after day, I have to help pay the bills and put food on the table. I hope to go back to school soon and I am scared about that, I'm not getting younger and I have trepidations about changing careers so late in life. But these things are what true strength is about. Strength of character and strength of will, I'll take these over physical strength any day.

Knowing that you have people out there who care about you makes life so wonderful, I've made some good friends in my life and even good friends on line(Wenderz and Dix aka Cory spring to mind). I've been blessed enough to find another good friend, this person has become quite special to me for a number of reasons, most of all because she has been there to talk to and to share with. When we make friends we never know just what that friendship will become, most of the time for myself these friendships never pass the acquaintance stage, I enjoy being around them or talking with them but they never really become people that I want to spend extended amounts of time with.

They say pain shared is pain halved and that joy shared is joy doubled, with this particular friend that saying is so true, when we talk and share either joy or pain I feel these effects, things that bother me I can get off my chest, I vent and she listens and when I share something happy she is as excited as I am.....lol. I honor our friendship and will do my best to be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. When we find people like this in our lives we need to embrace them and hold them near and dear to us, allow these friends to know the real us and let them know they are safe with us. These friends are what helps make life more bearable along with our families these people are who mean the most.

Hard times

For the last while I have posted about how I'm feeling lost, and depressed. I have written about my nightmares and memories, and how I just want it all to end. I now have a name for the way I feel, and that name surprises me, its something I never thought I would have. It seems I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It never occurred to me that I would be susceptible to this, you see I spent 18 years as an initial attack fire fighter and crew boss, flying into and out of the worst wild fires my province had, spending days on end without sleep, seeing things that gave most people nightmares. I am also a licenced counsellor and lifeskills coach, I know the symptoms of PTSD and I never seen it in myself. My arrogance has now cost me alot, because I believed I was immune to this and refused to see it in myself I have caused a large rift to form within my wife's and my relationship and with my parents. I know I will overcome this and I know that my relationships are strong enough to be repaired, but I just hope that I still have a wife when its all over and the smoke clears. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins and I know I have been prideful of late, I only hope that this pride hasn't cost me the things I hold dear.

A childs love

I would like to share some quotes from children found in a local paper called the coffee break.

Kids on love

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs." - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you are tired." - age 4

" Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is okay." - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." - age 8

"Love is like a little of woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - age 5

"During my piano rectial, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only on doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - age 8

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - age 7

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go and buy new ones." - age 4

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - age 8

I wanted to share these with you all, children have such an innocent unfettered view of love. We adults often miss what a child sees and these quotes show us just that, these children see the little things that tell others we love them. I hope you enjoy these and enjoy your Valentines day.

Flowers Kisses and Hearts

I would like to take a moment and thank everyone who comments and follows my blog. When I started this I had no Idea what it would be nor how I would feel about writing my feelings on a page that people could view. I'm happy to say that I love it, I feel close to you all, I follow your blogs and get some insight to what others are feeling, and this also helps me when I need another view of things. There are people in this world that I feel comfortable telling things to, and it would seem that all of you who follow my blog are just those kinds of people. Because most of my followers are ladies these hearts kisses and flowers are for you.

Your care and comments are so vitally welcome that I haven't the words to thank you enough.

Honesty

I'm not sure hot to write this entry. I have a friend who si having a hard time right now with someone in his/her life being dishonest and taking advantage of him/her.

To me honesty and integrity are like a river, always flowing in one direction and always changing, I would like to say that I am always honest but that would be a lie. I have told lies to get out of having to work on holidays and weekends that I've had plans to do something special with my family. that being said, I have done my best to lead an honest life, I have found purses and cell phones and made sure they were returned intact to their owners, I have owned up to mistakes that have caused me to be in trouble and other things that have just been the honest thing to do.

Like a river changes with the season so does our honesty grows and shrinks with how we react to the world around us. In the code of Bushido honesty is one of the most important virtues, being second only to loyalty and honor. I wish I could rush to my friends side and defend his/her honor and protect him/her from this person who is doing him/her wrong, yet all I can do is offer words of advice and encouragement ( little succor, though it is from the heart ).

I believe in Karma, and I know that one day the person who is hurting my friend will find themselves in either the same boat, or needing my friend to help them in some way, and I also know that my friend will either turn them away,( maybe he/she will help them because that is just the kind of person my friend is, kind hearted) and be done with them, or this person who has hurt my friend will find that someone they trusted has hurt them and that's where the river becomes a waterfall and crashes down around them, I know this because I was not a good person not so many years ago and that's what happened to me. God has a funny way of giving us wake up calls.

I spent all night at work thinking about my friend and his/her situation. I can only offer my prayers and my words of comfort to him/her. You are loved by more people that care than you are hated by people who wish you harm.

The Nightmare

Its always the same, the only differences is sometimes I'm in my body and at others I am an observer of the whole thing. can you call a memory a nightmare? Every time I sleep I relive the whole accident. I see my arm being pulled deeper and deeper into the mechanics of the forklift, I hear myself scream as the metal squeezes my arm crushing it. The moment that the steel pierces my flesh there is an audible pop as the too weak flesh is opened and the muscles explode and part making way for the unforgiving iron as it travels to the bone, the crack as the intruding steel from both sides meets and shears off the bone that is trying to stop its progress. They say you feel no pain in your dreams, that is false, I feel every nuance of the excruciating moments of the accident, the pain of the intrusion of metal into my flesh, and the burning pain of the pressure of a 50,0000 LB lift crushing my left arm, and finally the sharp almost unbelievable pain as bone is sheared away.

I haven't shared this with anyone until now. I'm not sure why, its been nearly two years since I was hurt and almost every time I sleep I relive this. I believe I'm ready to start the healing, and to share is to start healing.