depression

No one ever said life would be all sunshine and puppy dogs and I can live with that, but lately I have been feeling down about the turns and twists that my life has been going through. Normally I'm a fairly upbeat person I take the good with the bad and do my best to find a silver lining in every dark cloud, but with my arm feeling the way it has been this winter and not really being satisfied with my job I've had a hard time looking forward to the future. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I being selfish for feeling this way? All I really want is to not have to fight with the workers compensation board every step and to get into school to learn a new profession, one that I can enjoy doing for the next 30 years or so. I have put the accident behind me, I've stop ed hating the person who injured me ( hate in never a good thing to embrace ) and I have learned that there are limits to what I can do. I just want to feel like there is a future for my family and I, one where I make more than $10 an hour.

to read or not to read

I like to read when I get time, and I like to read about almost anything though I love fantasy and sifi novels. I would like to pass on my love of books to my kids, and I hope to do it the way my mother did with us kids. My mom would spend hours reading to us as children, it really didn't matter to my brother and I what she read, the bible, novels or even an article from a magazine, we just liked to hear her voice and imagine the places and people she read about. I think I will start reading to Rowan more often and with some luck he will begin the love of books that his father and uncle have. I don't know, books have always been one of my favorite things, in a movie the director and the produces dictates what you see, in a book you see what your imagination wants to see. I love movies, but in my experience the book is almost always better.

I have been taken to far off lands, different world, met monsters and saint, seen history unfold all within my mind. I can loose myself in a book and not have the world around me bother me in a way no other medium of entertainment can.

More of a ramble than anything else....lol

Ever stop and wonder what direction you are going in? Not metaphorical, but in reality? I seem to have an internal compass that lets me know what direction I'm going in. I know it sounds weird but its true, there are few places that I can't find north at ( all these places are in cities where I can't see for more than a few hundred yards) I have to wonder how many other people have this, I know my father and brother do but are there others out there that never seem to get lost? I have never been lost in the wild, the only times I have been lost is in the city when I may have known where north was but was unable to go that way because of traffic, or some other obstacle. I have been out in the bush and not known exactly where I was but I always knew how to get to where I wanted to be. IF ONLY LIFE WERE LIKE THAT!!!

I would like to get into another line of work, I always loved working outdoors with my hands or building, my arm has put great limits on what I can do in that respect. I love to cook but I would rather cook what I like rather than what is dictated on the menu, so my job is rather mundane and at time a royal pain....lol. I am thinking of going into nursing, I am good in a crisis, blood doesn't bother me, and I like to help others. I have a counseling licence ( long story why I'm not in that field, lets just say i become too attached to my clients and begin to hurt for them ). Nursing is something I can really get into, when I got hurt I realized that it was the nurses that did over 90% of the work and care for me, they were there for moral support as well as the physical and I really respected them for all they did. I know it would take years for me to complete the program, but I'm still sorta young, and I would like to stay here if I can. ind hey I would look really good in one of those white skirts...lmao

What are your favorite sounds?

We all have sounds that we enjoy, sounds that take us back to a cherished moment in the past, sounds that make us relax, even sounds that turn us on.

I would have to say without a doubt my favorite sound is Rowans laugh, when he and daddy play on the floor or wrestle on the bed and he laughs it warms me in my heart, my eyes well up and I want to hug and kiss him forever. Next to that my favorite sound is nature, I live in a rural com unity and was raised with nature all around me. The sound of water burbling across stones, a bluebird on a summer morning, or the breeze through leaves on a hot summer day, these sounds relax and rejuvenate me in a way that no amount of sleep ever could. I am blessed to live where I do (even if winter lasts too damn long) I can see and hear so many wonderful things and really experience the full beauty of nature.

When I was a child I would spend time at my grandparents house (80 miles out of town, no electricity, no phone, just nature all around) and I would spend my days fishing in the river that was just 200 feet away from the front door, sitting for hours listening to the river meander past, the birds calling to one another, the wind passing through the bows of a near by pine tree. On special nights my brother, cousin and I would sleep in the hay loft of the barn and listen to the night sounds, an owl hooting to the night, a deer as it grazed in the horses paddock, and always the river, that constant sound of water moving over the rocks below us, the odd splash of a fish or a bear in pursuit of the fish.

Nature has been a great part of my life, and her sounds always take me back to those days long past when cares were so small, so innocent. The lonely howl of a wolf calling to its pack, or the sound of a grouse drumming for a mate. Childhood was wonderful, full of mystery and hope. I hope all who read my blog can read this and find that certain sound that will invoke a smile and bring a little peace to their lives.

This is POLITICAL, be warned

I have been quite frustrated at the Canadian media lately, calling our current government "an unholy dictatorship". Let me explain, last November we had a Federal election and the Conservatives won with a minority government. As the economic crises worsened the opposition asked what the government was doing and the Conservatives replied that for the time being there was no plan to act( I think they should have had a plan to instate ) and that when the time was right they would act. I support all free governments, I may not like what they do but I stand behind them as a citizen of a free country and the free world. The three main opposition parties here in Canada are the Liberal as slightly left of centre group, the NDP ( New Democratic Party ) a far left group, and the Bloc Quebecois ( a right of centre separatist group who's only goal seems to be a sovereign nation of Quebec that is still funded by Canada ). These three parties united together to force a nonconfedence vote to oust the Conservatives from power and replace them with a united party of all three opposition parties. Our Primeminister Stephan Harper ( the Bottom pic ) had Parliament dissolved until spring in order to avoid this action by the opposition, this is what the media is calling the dictatorship. I say that we Canadians spoke in November and said that Harper and the Conservatives were the party best fit to govern us through the next 4 years, if anything the opposition is the DICTATORS, they wanted to disregard the voice of the people and replace the people elected government with one that we the people never elected in the first place. That's just the way I see it.

I know I'm right of centre, but as I said before , I support all free governments, I would feel this outrage had the Conservatives attempted this.

Honor lost, Honor found

Is it possible to regain honor through honorable pursuits? I hope so, for a very long time I was without honor, I was an addict who was active in his addiction, I was a drug dealer and a loan shark among many other things. I hope that I have regained my honor. Honor is the most important virtue in Bushido, and I do my best to study and live by the code. I do my best to teach my son what it is to be a good person and to live an honorable life, but there are nights when I lie awake remembering the things I have done and wonder if I can really teach Rowan what it is to be honorable. for the most part I have put my past away and move forward with my life but I know I need to remember the mistakes I made so I'll not make them again. Life is funny that way, we need to leave the past behind us but yet we need the past to help us navigate our future.

Rowan is by far the most important person in my life and as much as a child wants their parents approval, the parents also want the approval of their children. I hope Rowan sees the person I am now and can accept the person I once was without bias. I know we will clash from time to time, he will get rebellious and fight with me ( I did with my father ) but in the end like me I hope he sees his dad for who he really is inside. My father is a wonderful man, we still argue now and then, but I love him with every fiber of my being. My dad is a good man who did his best in raising his kids, and I see now what I thought was old fashioned was really morals.

If I have regained my honor then I can rest assure that I can teach these things to Rowan and he can pass them on to his children.

Copeing

I just read what one of the writers of another blog said about people who can't comprehend what its like to go through the trauma of having a love one wounded in war, I totally agree with her, I never want to feel that, I know what its like to have severe injuries ( nearly loosing my arm in a crush accident ) but I hope I never have to visit my son in a military hospital because he was wounded defending the freedom of others. That being said I know what it is like to feel the frustration of people saying "I can imagine what its like" or " wow that's bad, one time I...". no sorry unless you have gone through the same experience as I have there is no real way you can know. Hollywood mad a film some 11 years ago called firestorm and for some reason people seem to think that this must be what being in a raging forest fire is like, hate to burst your bubble but once again Hollywood made a farce of things. I have been in a firestorm its not pretty, but what is worse by far is being chased by a crown fire... and knowing that there is little if any chance that you will make it to safety

A firestorm is a complement of factors that in essence creates a tornado of fire, we have come to call and large raging fire that seems to run unchecked a firestorm, I can live with that in accuracy, but a crown scares any wild fire fire fighter more than anything, you see in a crown the fire races through the tops of the trees at amazing speeds with a deafening roar and it seems to block the light. If you are in it or near it your skin itches and seems to shrink as it heats up and feels like it is crisping, and the worst part is that the fire steals the oxygen from you. the fire rushes over your head and then burns its way towards the ground, cascading over you like a wave. People who have never been in one can never really understand it.

Karrie I will not do you the disservice of saying I understand what you must be going through because I can't, all I can say is that I do know what it is like to be in a situation where it is frustrating when people say that they can, or say that they'll try... you can't so please don't try because these are things of nightmares and Lord forbid you ever have to experience them to give you tat understanding. God bless you all

Future

Today we took our son and some of our friends met us with their kids at McDonald's play land, I watched my son have a wonderful time playing on all the toys with the other kids and was contented. I began to think of how only ten years ago I could never see myself as a parent, and to tell the truth I didn't want to have kids. Why bring a child into a world so besot with violence and heartache? was the reason I told myself for not wanting kids, now however my view has changed. If we don't bring children into this world teaching them to be the best people they can be this world will never get better. I don't expect Rowan to change the world, but he can make a difference to the people around him, and if there are others who teach their kids this way then little by little our world can become a better place.
The future is never clear to us, we never know what impacts we can make unless we try, I don't expect my son to be without faults but I know that if I teach him to be the best he can be then I know his future will be better than if I took no interest in his behavior.

This blog is called Bushido and raising children, at times I wonder if it shouldn't have been called Bushido and being raised by my child? I learn so much about who I really am from Rowan and the person I would like to see him become from the way I see him interact to the world around him. Maybe some day he will read these entry's for himself and learn something about his father that he didn't know? who knows the future is hidden from us and god reveals his wisdom at his appointed time.

The greatest art

Ghost Lake Falls Quesnel B.C.

My family and I are so lucky to live where we do, this picture is from a set of waterfalls just 70 miles from our home, and we have so many other wonderful natural spectacles near us. I live right down town yet I have seen deer walk past our balcony., walk ten minutes from our apartment complex and you will be surrounded with wild flowers and animals. To me nature is the greatest art and God the artist, I have sat in awe of the wonders around me so many times, watching a waterfall and feeling the thunder of the crashing torrent run through my body as my face and hands are bathed in the cool mist that erupts from the boiling mass below. I've sat in wonder as I've watched a doe and fawn graze in an open meadow, I've seen a mother bear tenderly teaching her cubs how to fish, I'm a truly a blessed person! These days I think of what I want to show my son and wonder if he will be as awestruck as I have been? I've seen the best and worst of nature and I love it all, death and birth are all just the same story within the world and in nature you see how all things are connected. I have no idea what I'll show Rowan first nor how I'll explain the things he sees to him but all I know is that I want him to experience the greatest art.

Heroic Courage

I have been thinking of how to explain to Rowan what heroic courage means to me. Heroic courage is one of the virtues of Bushido and I would like to teach Rowan what they mean to me and how to apply them to his life just as I do my best to apply them to mine. For 18 years I fought forest fires in the summers for a living, and I became one of the elite ( what we refer to here in Canada as an Initial Attack fire fighter ) and a Crew Boss of elite crews. The media has often referred to Fire Fighters as " Heroes " , and I have been interviewed by paper, radio, and TV and been called a hero in the interview. I was never the hero and I never wanted to be, I realized that for those who many refer to as a hero are just average people doing what they can in a situation that is something other than ordinary. My wife asked me one time, just before I was going to leave for a fire( she was being sarcastic because she was scared ) why I had to go willingly into what she perceived as danger, and all I could reply was that I have a responsibility to go, I was highly trained and if I didn't go then who would? would they send someone who didn't have the experience and training I did? would that person make a mistake and cause harm to themselves or to someone else? You see I was never a hero ( not in my eyes anyway ) I was doing what was best for myself and for those I lead.
Courage, that is allot easier for me to explain to Rowan, To me courage is not being without fear, courage is knowing your fear and working with it or through it. I once told Dana ( that's my wife ) any person who is willing to jump out of a helicopter into a living forest fire and says they have no fear AVOID THEM !!! these individuals are either liars ( and I never trust a liar so I wont put my life into the hands of a person I don't trust ) or they are an idiot ( and I would never trust my life to an idiot on a fire ) Nearly every fire I have responded to I have been afraid to one degree or another, I just know what that fear is to me and I either use it to be safer or use it to be safer and to give me strength to lead my crew through the situations that present themselves.
To me that's what " Heroic Courage" is, its what makes a Fireman run into a burning building to save a life, its what makes a cop willingly place himself between a killer and a kid, its what drives the soldier to go to another country and defend the lives and freedom of people he will never get to know. I was never a hero, not to myself but to others maybe I was, all the hero's I know never seen themselves as one.

God bless us all.

The Match

There is no picture for this entry because this entry is about my conscience. I know I have been away the last 2 weeks, that's because I have been at war with myself and things have finally resolved themselves. I found out that the person who crushed my arm has lost his first and truest love MONEY. Rick my former boss is declaring bankruptcy, part of me wanted to shout for joy at his misfortune, after all he ruined my life and has cost me and my family so much in the past 2 years. another part of me wanted to pity him, Rick has always based his life on the money he had and the money he could make, his lifestyle has reflected this and his actions were directed by this. Part of Bushido is being honorable, never taking joy in others pain, even your enemy, I was failing at this, I know I'm only human and prone to the faults that all people have and the biggest fault I was struggling with was revenge. I knew my feelings were wrong and that I was being dishonorable by being happy that Rick was in such pain, but I didn't care it felt so nice to know that he was getting a taste of what I had gone through in the last 2 years. Then I started thinking of not only Rick but of the others that would be affected by his bankruptcy, his family his workers and I realized that I was being unreasonable(these people never hurt me) and that if I kept on this path my honor would be ruined. I pity Rick now, how it must hurt to loose it all, he has based his life around money and now that he has none I wonder if his friends will stay next to him or will they leave? I want my son to grow to be a pillar of our community and to be honorable, but how can he if his father refuses to act honorably? I have resolved this issue within myself and will now be back to blog. I only hope my change of heart sticks and that I can sleep at night knowing that for a time I was acting without honor.